Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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