Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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