my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
