FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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