I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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