mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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