I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
