we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
