Come see our sink grown plant.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
