my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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