it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It's blow job season.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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