What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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