your parents love me but you hate me
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
