Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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