I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
