I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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