The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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