I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
