The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
