got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
