I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
