you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
