his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
