I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
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