What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
