There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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