the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
