i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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