yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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