1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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