Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Cover your peen. We're going out.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
