I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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