my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
