ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
