Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
