Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
