Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
