I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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