dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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