it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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