Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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