wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
