I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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