Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
