as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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