I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
