After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
