if you like me you must not know who I am
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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