what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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