I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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