Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
