I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
