I wish I could punch you in the face.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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