that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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