Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
