You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
